I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
