the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
