I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
