i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
