dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
