I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
