well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
