would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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