She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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