fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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