i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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