There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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