i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
