I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
