This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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