why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
