they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think my moral compass just broke
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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