we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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