we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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