so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
