I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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