she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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