I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
