i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
