I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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