I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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