So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
