Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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