hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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