Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
