shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
