I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
