I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
