You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
