I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
