I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
A bitchslap is in order.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
