i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
