I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
