No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
