it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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