i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
