Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
