Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
