i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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