just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
