I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
