You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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