I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
