i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
