i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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