The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
