I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
