I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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