He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
