no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
