Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
