He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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