You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
