I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
