I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be still, my beating vagina.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize