U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
